From size to stamina: Men’s 5 biggest questions about sex

A sex educator has answered five common questions men have about sex to commemorate Men’s Health Month. Photo / 123RF
THREE KEY FACTS
Warning: This story contains sexual content.
It’s Movember, an annual reminder to talk about issues about men’s health, both physical and mental.
Yet despite discourse around men’s mental health increasing in recent years (22% of men in Aotearoa experienced poor mental wellbeing in 2023), industry experts argue one aspect remains unexplored − men’s sexual wellness.
The subject of men’s sexual health and wellbeing encompasses more than just the penis and prostate. We also need to talk about the anxieties associated with sexual performance, from miseducation to erectile dysfunction − issues that can be debilitating for many men.
“Sexual performance anxiety is linked closely to mental health challenges and societal expectations,” Emma Hewitt, Adult Toy Mega Store’s in-house sex educator, tells the Herald. “Our mental, physical, spiritual and social wellbeing are inherently linked.”
Sexual performance anxiety, or SPA, is stress that can affect sexual activity: for example, fear that you won’t satisfy your partner or concern about climaxing too early. SPA is said to affect 9-25% of men worldwide compared to 6-16% of women, although another finding suggests the number of men suffering from SPA could be as high as 20-30%.
It comes amid a suggested return to more traditional gender roles, such as the resurgence of hegemonic manhood and homemaking wives on social media. In Aotearoa, stereotypical beliefs around masculinity remain largely rooted in the “rough, practical man who’s good with his hands”, Otago University gender studies researcher Dr Chris Brickell has noted.
These ongoing archetypes and a renewed fixation on traditional masculinity – think the virile, hypersexual male with raging testosterone – could lead to increased sexual anxiety. It’s important conversations around sex are had in male circles, says Hewitt, to help relieve the mental load.
Read more: The return of romance – and the ‘traditional’ male? Here’s the dating trends for 2025
“With men in Aotearoa statistically less likely than women to seek mental health support, honest sexual education can make a big difference. Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month can act as a timely reminder.
“Whether it’s a sleepless thought, a point of curiosity, or a ‘would you rather’ question, we can all benefit from increasing our understanding to foster a healthier sexual existence.”
To help normalise not having all the answers, Hewitt has answered five sexual questions men might have on their minds, from size to stamina.
Ah, that old chestnut. It’s a common misconception that “bigger” equals “better”.
“There is a perceived notion that women prefer a larger penis, but this isn’t necessarily true,” Hewitt tells the Herald.
“A 2002 study investigating women’s perception of penis size found only 20% of respondents [thought] the length of the penis was important, and only 1% of respondents found penis length very important.
“The majority of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm − so what you can do with your hands and tongue is going to be equally, if not more important than the size of your penis.”
It’s also important to note that we tend to overestimate the average size of this appendage.
Research in 2020 found the average length is between 5.1 and 5.5 inches when erect and 3.5 inches when flaccid, despite many males believing the average length is more than 6 inches.
“Penis size is unlikely to be a deal breaker for most people but talk to your partner about it if you are feeling insecure, rather than assuming they have a problem.”
Another length misconception among males is that the longer sex lasts, the better − but this is not always the case.
In 2008, a survey of Canadian and American sex therapists attempted to draw conclusions around how long men should ideally take to orgasm during sexual intercourse. Based on their client experiences, the therapists indicated that while ejaculating in three minutes or less could “warrant clinical concern”, intercourse that lasted between 10 and 30 minutes was “too long” for many partners.
Three to seven minutes of intercourse before climaxing was found to be “adequate”, while the gold standard was between seven and 13 minutes.
“This survey only represented penis-in-vagina sex, which obviously doesn’t apply to everyone. So, the perfect duration for sex is going to depend on what you consider sex to be and whether you are taking foreplay into consideration,” Hewitt explains.
Read more: How long sex really lasts – and how porn warps perception
For many, the number of people you’ve had sex with is arbitrary and irrelevant. However, some can become fixated on what the “ideal” number should be: one that is too high may suggest sexual promiscuity (it doesn’t) while one that is too low may suggest a lack of prowess (it doesn’t).
“You might find statistics or take part in conversations that suggest an average number but remember: the only way for people to get that number is via self-reporting, so people may put forward a number that they think they should have had sex with, whether it’s more or less than the truth,” Hewitt says.
“The question you need to ask is, why does it matter to you? Are you feeling pressure from your peers? Are you worried about not having enough experience? And ultimately, does it really matter?”
In a nutshell, as long as you’re having consensual sex, and you’re enjoying having consensual sex, the number of sexual partners you’ve had doesn’t matter (with the caveats that you are engaging in safe sex and communicating any sexual health issues to said partners).
“The more important factor should be whether you are having good sex, and not comparing yourself to others. So long as you ensure you are having safe sex and taking the necessary precautions for STI prevention, body count just doesn’t matter.”
It’s an age-old adage that a condom makes sex less enjoyable, but you probably just aren’t using it correctly.
“Condom size matters. A condom that is too small will feel constrictive. On the other hand, a condom that is too big will feel like it may slip off,” Hewitt explains.
There are brands of condoms available that cater towards all shapes and sizes to ensure you’re getting the right phallic fit.
Condoms and lubricant are a dynamic duo and are better together. Lubricant, especially when using condoms, is recommended. Not only does lube prevent tearing, but it also helps reduce friction − making the experience more pleasurable for all.
Hewitt’s top tip? Add a drop or two of lubricant inside the condom as well as to the outside.
“I recommend using lubricant on the outside of the condom, but don’t forget to add a drop or two to the inside of the condom − it makes all the difference.”
Erectile dysfunction, or ED, is the most common sex-related issue that men report to their doctor − so it’s important to know that you’re not alone.
According to Hard Facts New Zealand, ED – the inability to achieve or maintain an erection that is firm enough to have sexual intercourse – is estimated to affect more than 50% of men to some degree aged 45 and over. Estimates from US healthcare providers suggest as many as 30 million men may suffer from the condition.
“Everyday stressors like tiredness, frustration, nervousness or anxiety can impact your ability to get or maintain an erection − the same with alcohol, substances and some medications,” Hewitt says.
If you’re struggling, it’s important to speak to a GP to determine the cause and a treatment plan.
“There are plenty of ways to manage this including medications, therapy and even sex toys that can help to get and maintain an erection.”
Lana Andelane is an entertainment and lifestyle journalist. She was previously lifestyle editor at Newshub, where she began her career as a news producer in 2019. She enjoys writing about music, pop culture, fashion and beauty.